Attracting the Love You Desire: What I’ve Learned

Do you remember the scene from Harry Potter where Harry and his friends stand in front of the magical mirror which shows them the deepest desires of their hearts? Harry sees his parents, Ron sees himself winning a Quidditch match, etc.

Romantic relationships are like that mirror. However a relationship will not only show you your deepest desires, but also your deepest insecurities, fears and vulnerabilities. It will show you the parts of you that are reactive, irrational and rooted in your wounded inner child.

This true both in dating and, as I’ve discovered, in committed relationships (nearly 5 years into my relationship and it still feels like I’m discovering new layers of this inner child).

Sometimes we can have so much fear of what will be mirrored back to us that we avoid relationships altogether, for example by just sticking to casual encounters or situationships where we are not truly seen. Or we can get into relationships that we know on some level aren’t right for us because we don’t actually have to be vulnerable and open our hearts in these relationships, and so they feel safe.     

If we are wanting to break out of the same old tired patterns and attract in more expansive love and partnership, then what we need to do is start looking closely at the meanings, beliefs and assumptions that we carry about:

• ourselves (our lovability, worth + deservingness)

• men + women; and 

• love + relationships 

These are the beliefs which tell us the type of love that we deserve or can expect in life, and therefore determine the love that we get.

Let me be clear: there’s no point in fantasising about the perfect partner and ‘putting ourselves out there’ if we haven’t first dealt with our underlying beliefs. Because our beliefs energetically set the limit on how much good we can attract and accept into our lives.

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If you’re wondering how to tell whether your beliefs are limiting you and working against you in love, then check whether what you consciously think about yourself is matching what you keep encountering in your life. 

So for example consciously you might think of yourself (and be perceived as) a confident, smart, self-aware and attractive person - a great catch! Yet your dating life or relationship history comes up short.

You’re dating people who don’t put in effort, who go all in only to flake out, or who keep stringing you along. Maybe you don’t feel fully attracted to the people you’re dating or in a relationship with and on some level feel as though you’re compromising. Or at the most severe end, you’re dating people who are harmful and unsafe.

What these situations are showing you is that there is a subconscious belief (usually a collection of beliefs) which are keeping you stuck in low-worth patterns and blocking you from real, healthy love. I always say change the inner and you will change the outer. So if we can bring awareness to our beliefs and start to heal them then we can change what we are getting.

To illustrate, here are some of the beliefs that I was carrying and which kept me stuck in love (maybe you can relate to some of them…)

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Belief: Men lack emotional depth and are inherently untrustworthy

I was a voracious reader and pop culture-consumer growing up which meant I quickly was exposed to society’s messaging about men and relationships.

And unfortunately much of it just reiterated the same depressing narrative: all men cheat, men use women, men put their own self-interest above all else, men don’t have capacity for emotional sensitivity and depth etc (and on the other end… women are victims, women are powerless and women give more than they get). 

Growing up I didn’t have any examples of healthy masculinity to counteract the negative messaging I was absorbing; and in fact, what I did see seemed to reinforce it in a lot ways. It feels a little embarrassing to admit but it wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I actually realised that men have feelings (besides anger!) and that men are able to feel things just as deeply as women - that was honestly shocking to me!

Masculinity is not inherently negative and there are men with integrity, loyalty and emotional regulation. While patriarchal conditioning has done a number on both men and women, it’s important that we start to unwind the beliefs which tell us that all men are so and so, and that we can’t expect much from the opposite sex.

That means being vigilant in the kind of messages we are taking on (including those that are packaged as jokey or ironic, e.g. ‘all men are trash’), looking for healthy and expansive depictions of relationships to imprint into our subconscious, and giving love and understanding to our scared and confused younger self.

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Belief: I have to be ‘chosen’ by a romantic partner

This can be a sneaky belief. Because on the surface we can seem like we are confident and self-assured, and yet we’re really being driven by a need for validation.

For me what that looked like was shoving aside my own feelings and intuition in dating (as though they were just a minor inconvenience!) and fixating on whether the person I was seeing liked me. If they messaged me and gave me compliments it validated my self worth. But if they went days without messaging me or ghosted me, I would feel bad about myself; even when I knew that the person wasn’t trustworthy or right for me. 

I remember a friend once telling me that I should shift my focus from ‘do they like me?’ to ‘is this person able to meet my needs?’. It was such a revelation for me. It made me see that I was operating out of a mentality that I needed to prove my worth and desirability to someone that I had a potential interest in, which effectively meant that I was abandoning myself and putting the other person above me.

As I started to allow space for my own feelings and needs in dating I noticed how much easier things became.

For example, if I was seeing someone I noticed mixed messages and inconsistent communication, I wouldn’t take it as a cue to try harder to get their attention. I’d either directly address it or just keep it moving. When we remember that we are not here to be chosen but to show up as our real self - nothing more and nothing less - it takes a lot of the pressure off and it keeps us centred in our own worth and power.

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Belief: Long term relationships are boring and monotonous

I don’t know about you but when I was younger the long term relationships I saw (both in real life and on TV) all looked the same: one or both of the partners took each other for granted, they were stuck with each other because of pressure to stay together, and there was no joy, fun and desire in the relationship.

In contrast to these long term relationships was the explosive, ecstatic and frenzied ‘falling in love’ stage which was put on a pedestal through films, songs and literature.

This created a disconnect in me: consciously I wanted, and even at some points painfully craved, a relationship - yet subconsciously I saw relationships as a kind of prison. It seemed like all there was to look forward to was the honeymoon stage and then from there it was just downhill.

And here’s what’s important to know: if we have a conscious desire for something but a subconscious fear of that thing, our subconscious will always wins out. Our subconscious isn’t trying to sabotage us, it’s trying to protect us.

So unsurprisingly because I was carrying so many negative associations of committed relationships it meant that I was unable to attract a relationship for years despite actively dating (I’m pretty sure I tried 4 different dating apps during that time!) It was only once I started changing and expanding my beliefs around what long term relationships look like, that I was able to attract in the right one.

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What I learnt throughout my 20s about love is that our culture is still operating with an immature and distorted understanding of romantic relationships.

Most of what we see in film and TV romanticises dysfunctional and codependent dynamics, and leads us to believe that it’s a choice between either passion or safety. Add to that parents/caregivers who a lot of the time haven’t healed their own traumas and childhood wounding and are continuing to play them out, and it’s no wonder that the majority of us find ourselves blocked when it comes to love.

But here is what I now know to be true: we can all attract in (and nurture) a healthy, deep and authentic love. It’s not something that is reserved for a lucky few.

We can rewrite our stories and patterns, connect with our true deservingness and power, and invite in something that is SO much better than we can even imagine. If you are feeling the pull, you can sign up to receive your free guide to The Energetics of Love + Partnerships and learn more about our online workshop. You will learn about the 7 love archetypes, clarify your true wants and needs, and unlock a new version of self.

—Kat