Discernment is the Best Tool You Have on Your Spiritual Path
Image: Pinterest
A while back I shared a post to Instagram titled Why Being Spiritual Does Not Make You a Good Person where I critiqued the notion that being a ‘spiritual person’ and doing spiritual things makes one a good partner, friend or all around human being. Judging by the number likes and shares the post got, the message clearly resonated with people. So I thought it would be worth diving deeper into…
It’s very natural when we first start our self-growth journey that we want to be around others who are also consciously evolving themselves and with whom we feel like we can learn from and freely talk about spiritual concepts and ideas without fear of judgement.
The shared language and interest in conscious living and inner work can lead us to bond more quickly as we usually end up skipping the small talk and going straight for the deep, juicy topics which creates a feeling of closeness and connection. This is amplified when we find ourselves in a spiritual/wellness community, whether it’s one centred around yoga, meditation, personal development etc.
But while it can be exciting to bond so quickly and share so openly, it can also mean we overlook certain behaviours or red flags in people that we wouldn’t otherwise. We may mute our inner voice because the desire for community and connection is so strong or because we are subconsciously apply the ‘halo effect’ to anyone who presents themselves as spiritual. This can lead to regret, hurt feelings, and in worst case scenarios, harm to our wellbeing.
●
My own interest in spirituality and wellbeing has led me to meet amazing, kind, likeminded people, as well as my fair share of people who have shown me why a mutual interest in spirituality and wellbeing is NOT an automatic indicator that someone deserves space in my life. Spirituality unanchored from principles and consideration for others is not something I find myself drawn to in others anymore (and some might say that this is not true spirituality at all).
Some of the characters I’ve encountered that have led me to this realisation include:
The spiritual fuckboy (emotionally unavailable man-child who can talk to you about chakras and higher dimensions, will definitely encourage you to open your heart and express your emotions but is secretly terrified of his own)
Spiritual friends (individuals who are deep into shadow work, manifestation and all the rest, who are insightful and seemingly self-aware, yet don’t understand the importance of basic relational concepts such as reciprocity, consideration or listening skills)
Those who are working in the wellness space and use all the right words and project the right image yet are operating from an energy of competitiveness and lack of integrity
While I’ve been fortunate not to encounter anyone truly sinister or unethical on my spiritual journey, I have heard enough stories from friends and acquaintances about people who preached about conscious living and ‘love and light’ yet showed themselves to be abusive or predatory. It’s unsettling that anyone could be this deceptive, but it doesn’t mean we have to close ourselves off and be suspicious of everyone we encounter.
Rather, I see it as an invitation to practice the skill of discernment. That means being able to look past the shiny spiritual packaging and perceive who we actually want to be energetically engaging with and how.
To help you with this, here are a few question you can ask yourself to discern whether someone is worth letting into (or keeping) in your life.
●
Do they respect your boundaries?
Does this person respect where you’re at or do they try to override your boundaries, for example, by projecting their opinions onto you, asking you to share more than you’re comfortable with or to engage in things you’re not on board with (this one particularly applies to the spiritual fuckboy types)?
We usually see it as a warning sign when someone pushes for emotional, physical or sexual intimacy before we know them or feel ready. However, when it’s a person who has the spiritual trappings we can shame ourselves for not being open or ‘conscious’ enough and end up going along with a situation that doesn’t serve us.
I once met a girl who had gone to a tantra festival and developed feelings for a guy she encountered there. This guy was enjoying the attention of several women within the tantric community and wanted to keep things open with the girl. She was having a hard time with this as she had feelings for him.
Rather than acknowledge that they were looking for different things, this girl was driving herself crazy trying to suppress her feelings and convince herself she was completely fine with an open dating situation. Naturally, it was a straightforward recipe for hurt feelings.
Instead of trying to fit yourself into what is spiritual or not, honour your own needs, preferences and emotional pacing and allow that to guide you in choosing what you engage with or not.
●
Do they show care and consideration towards you?
Yes, it’s nice to have deep chats and exchange stories about synchronicities and manifestation, but ask yourself: is the person actually emotionally present? Do they listen to what you have to say and follow up on it? Do they keep their promises? Do they express happiness for your wins and offer a helping hand when you need it?
It’s important that we don’t take someone’s ability to be deep or insightful as meaning that they are someone we should be close with.
In my own life, I’ve felt disappointed when I’ve experienced that a friend's spiritual awareness did not extend to how they treated me and when they got defensive when I expressed my feelings on this. But it made me realise that for some people spirituality or self-growth is just a project in self-absorption. They might be doing the self-work but they’re not honestly looking at their own ego and how it’s playing out in their life and relationships.
So don’t give too much weight to how many spiritual concepts a person knows or how many spiritual practices they do, but rather to look at how a person actually shows up and treats others, including you.
●
Do they intuitively feel good?
Finally, ask yourself does this person feel good. Do you leave your interactions feeling happy and uplifted or do you feel drained or a bit ‘off’? Does this person feel trustworthy and safe to you or is there an underlying feeling of unease that you’ve been pushing aside?
A few months ago I went on a friend date with a girl who was deep on her spiritual path. I was fascinated listening to her stories of working with plant medicines and seeing past-life visions. She seemed worldly and deep. But when she asked to meet again, I couldn’t override my own intuition: my body was saying no.
This doesn’t mean that she was a bad person, it means that something about her energy did not feel good to me, which was my cue to not continue further. Our mind and heart can try to find excuses, but our body knows. It’s always communicating to us through subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) signs via feelings and sensations.
So tune into your body when you’re with a person, in the seconds after you leave an interaction and even when you’re thinking of someone. Bringing your awareness to your body will sharpen your discernment like nothing else.
—Kat