How to Work With Your Fear
Image: Jean Pierrot
Whether we are experiencing it as social anxiety, worry about the future, or nervousness about stepping out of our comfort zone, the peculiar truth about fear is that the more we judge it or try to get rid of it, the worse it gets.
Sometimes the fear we feel relates to big life changes, other times to more mundane occurrences like the classic example of public speaking. But regardless, our body tends to react in the same way: we go into fight-or-flight mode; our muscles tensing and our breath restricting.
Interestingly, I’ve found that the fear I’ve felt from ‘smaller’ things like meeting new people or having a hard conversation with a friend, to sometimes be more intense than fear I’ve felt from things that objectively seemed more scary such as the moving countries or being unemployed for long stretches.
It’s as though with these smaller, more everyday things I would also feel a sense of shame mixed in with the fear because the person I felt myself to be (empowered, capable, calm) didn’t actually match with the physical reactions I was experiencing. My ego thought I should be ‘above’ the fear. So I would exert so much mental effort in trying to override what I was feeling by talking myself out of it or forcing positive thoughts on myself.
Yet this approach seemed to make barely any difference to how I actually felt.
It was only when I decided ‘how about I just feel into this feeling?’ without the intention of trying to get rid of it, that the magic happened. That was the first time I experienced how the energy of fear dissipates on its own when rather than trying to conquer it, we stay with it. Presence and loving acceptance — those fluffy sounding words — are the KEY.
I want to share how you can use a gentle, body-based approach the next time you feel fear rising in you and you want to move through it and alchemise it.
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When you feel fear or anxiety arise in you, I invite you to try the following:
Resist the urge to shut it down by shifting your thoughts (e.g. telling yourself ‘everything will be fine’ or ‘I’m just being silly’) or breathing in a slow or controlled way in an attempt to calm yourself down. These acts may give you some fleeting comfort, but on their own they don’t target the underlying emotion that is being felt in your body and is causing the stress response to play out.
Instead, check in to see how intense is the fear is. If it’s overwhelming or very strong then move your body. Dance to some music, go for a walk, jump, shake, stretch, vacuum the house… do whatever helps to discharge some of the energy.
If the fear is not so intense or you have brought it down a few notches through moving your body, then turn your attention to what’s happening in your body. Notice where the sensations of fear are showing up: Is it in a tight stomach? A pounding heart? Tensed feet? You might feel it in multiple places but see where the sensation feels the strongest.
When you have located that spot, rub your hands together to create some heat and then place your hands over the spot (or if you’re in public and you can’t use your hands, simply bring your awareness to the strongest sensation). Feeling the weight and warmth of your hands, start to consciously breathe into this area of your body. You’re not trying to ‘breathe away’ the feeling, rather you are breathing into it to give it your full presence. Does the feeling want to tell you something? It may communicate through a word, colour, image or sensation. You don’t have to think too hard here, you are simply noticing the feeling that’s there.
Now if you can, start to send love to the fear. With each breathe, imagine you are directing love, acceptance, understanding and patience to the feeling. As you do this, you may notice the energy starts to change. The tension might loosen a bit, the jumpiness might settle. Keep breathing until you feel grounded.
This process might sound simple to you and it is. Fear like any other emotion is simply a messanger. It’s not something we have to conquer or override, it’s something we can work with and love.
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If you are wanting to experience the healing power of breathwork, you can explore our guided 1:1 sessions here or explore our online workshops on love and money.
— Kat